FAT Is Not A Dirty Word

The night of my school play in 5th grade. I loved performing onstage and would be a completely different person than I was offstage.

My daughter is turning 3 years old pretty soon and to me, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever created. From her cheeky smile to her infectious giggles and her various facial expressions, I am so happy to have her in my life. I want to teach her everything that I know, I would like her to grow up and become a strong, kind, independent, generous, person who will do good in this world. I want her to be confident and love herself just the way she is. But I know I am also a hypocrite because I for one have serious body image issues. Some days I feel I am invincible and my confidence is through the roof - and other days I beat myself up and can't even bear to leave the house. Just because I feel like complete crap and think that I look like complete crap.

Growing up, I was bullied and teased about my weight - 90% of the time it was from other girls. I don't know why, but apparently if you're a tad on the plus side then that is an open invitation for horrible name-calling. I worry about my daughter when she starts school and whether she will be surrounded by cruel, unintelligent peers who judge others by the way they look. I wonder how it would affect her and how she will cope with it. I fear that it will affect her self-esteem like how it did mine and would hold her back from getting involved in various opportunities in life.

Recently, my husband had to remind a family member and tell them not to call our daughter fat, even though it was just a joke and did not come from a malicious place. He knew how affected I was by this and saw how my face changed when that vile word was uttered and used to describe my innocent little 2 year old daughter. To my horror, ever since that incident, Gemini Grrl has used that word several times now. Once when she was playing with her toys and couldn't fit one of her dolls through a gap, so she said it was, "too fat", which I corrected her and just said that the gap was in fact too small. Then another time when we were meeting up with a good friend and she exclaimed, "Look! It's Uncle Fat Man!".

But why has the word FAT become a dirty word? Why is it spat out like a bad taste in our mouths, or a painful insult we fling at somebody to intentionally cause them pain? Why do we care so much if someone were to call us FAT? Why do we have to try so hard to tell ourselves that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about if we do not resemble supermodels in beauty magazines? Why is this even an issue I as a Mother am worrying about because I have a daughter now?

Me in 5th grade. I know I wasn't thin back then (nor am I now), but I did not deserve to be picked on and made to feel worthless.

Is it wrong of me to keep correcting her and tip-toe around that word, trying to pretend that it doesn't exist? Should I be shielding her from this dreaded word which has been used as an ugly label and is one of the easiest things for people to pick on when trying to hurt someone's feelings? Am I doing the right thing by protecting her from being called this horrid word by our family and friends who are perhaps merely commenting on her physical changes since the last time we've met? Why am I so offended when people mention how chubby her cheeks are? Or how tubby her tummy is? Are they even saying that as an attack on my daughter's appearance or my capabilities as a Mother to feed her all the right foods and make sure she is on a proper exercise regime? Is it just all in my head? Am I being over-sensitive?

I think the answer is yes. And no.

I have the right to feel that way, because in this day and age, nobody in our society will ever call somebody else fat without making it a derogatory comment. They won't say you are fat without wanting to break you down and remind you how disgusting you have become. People meet up with old friends and are quick to update their social circle about how much weight so and so has put on, then laugh sadistically about it. If somebody has actually lost weight, you would probably compliment them to their face about their success but then bitch about them behind their back out of pure envy. Why is it when one becomes thinner, then congratulations are in order? Losing weight is apparently something to be celebrated, a great achievement, a wonderful milestone for you to write home about.

Photo Day in school back in 5th grade (the worst time of my life back then). I hated this picture so much, but my Mother says she loves it.

But getting fat? That's when you have to stop taking full-length body shots of yourself for Facebook. You have to retreat and avoid social functions at all costs. One must now adopt a baggy potato-sack sense of fashion and heaven forbid anyone ever see you eating in public ever again. People actually comment about your weight gain sadly and look at you with such pity, as they gently pat you on the shoulder and then walk away, sighing and wondering what went wrong in your life.

I don't want my daughter to grow up being obsessed with her body. I don't want her get depressed over every single pound she gains or refuse to live her life fully due to her own insecurities. Yes, of course I want her to be healthy and I am definitely not going to let her become obese - not just for the sake of physical appearance, but because of medical health. But I need to figure out first what exactly the problem is here. The fact that society is now throwing the word FAT around like it is a disgusting disease and the unrealistic expectations they have of how a woman's body should look, or that I care way too much about this than I should and my toddler is none the wiser about such labels, nor does she realise it is a dirty word when she uses it in public.

Me now. No filter. Suck it, haters.

This is a battle I am still fighting and there are good days and bad. To me, my daughter is still the epitome of perfection in my eyes and I will always love her unconditionally no matter how she looks. Perhaps I should stop trying to change the way society is, and just change the way I think. Slowly but surely, I will try my best to use this word as part of my vocabulary with no other emotions attached to it. I will do my part as a Mother to teach my beautiful daughter that FAT is not a dirty word.