FAT Is Not A Dirty Word

The night of my school play in 5th grade. I loved performing onstage and would be a completely different person than I was offstage.

My daughter is turning 3 years old pretty soon and to me, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever created. From her cheeky smile to her infectious giggles and her various facial expressions, I am so happy to have her in my life. I want to teach her everything that I know, I would like her to grow up and become a strong, kind, independent, generous, person who will do good in this world. I want her to be confident and love herself just the way she is. But I know I am also a hypocrite because I for one have serious body image issues. Some days I feel I am invincible and my confidence is through the roof - and other days I beat myself up and can't even bear to leave the house. Just because I feel like complete crap and think that I look like complete crap.

Growing up, I was bullied and teased about my weight - 90% of the time it was from other girls. I don't know why, but apparently if you're a tad on the plus side then that is an open invitation for horrible name-calling. I worry about my daughter when she starts school and whether she will be surrounded by cruel, unintelligent peers who judge others by the way they look. I wonder how it would affect her and how she will cope with it. I fear that it will affect her self-esteem like how it did mine and would hold her back from getting involved in various opportunities in life.

Recently, my husband had to remind a family member and tell them not to call our daughter fat, even though it was just a joke and did not come from a malicious place. He knew how affected I was by this and saw how my face changed when that vile word was uttered and used to describe my innocent little 2 year old daughter. To my horror, ever since that incident, Gemini Grrl has used that word several times now. Once when she was playing with her toys and couldn't fit one of her dolls through a gap, so she said it was, "too fat", which I corrected her and just said that the gap was in fact too small. Then another time when we were meeting up with a good friend and she exclaimed, "Look! It's Uncle Fat Man!".

But why has the word FAT become a dirty word? Why is it spat out like a bad taste in our mouths, or a painful insult we fling at somebody to intentionally cause them pain? Why do we care so much if someone were to call us FAT? Why do we have to try so hard to tell ourselves that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about if we do not resemble supermodels in beauty magazines? Why is this even an issue I as a Mother am worrying about because I have a daughter now?

Me in 5th grade. I know I wasn't thin back then (nor am I now), but I did not deserve to be picked on and made to feel worthless.

Is it wrong of me to keep correcting her and tip-toe around that word, trying to pretend that it doesn't exist? Should I be shielding her from this dreaded word which has been used as an ugly label and is one of the easiest things for people to pick on when trying to hurt someone's feelings? Am I doing the right thing by protecting her from being called this horrid word by our family and friends who are perhaps merely commenting on her physical changes since the last time we've met? Why am I so offended when people mention how chubby her cheeks are? Or how tubby her tummy is? Are they even saying that as an attack on my daughter's appearance or my capabilities as a Mother to feed her all the right foods and make sure she is on a proper exercise regime? Is it just all in my head? Am I being over-sensitive?

I think the answer is yes. And no.

I have the right to feel that way, because in this day and age, nobody in our society will ever call somebody else fat without making it a derogatory comment. They won't say you are fat without wanting to break you down and remind you how disgusting you have become. People meet up with old friends and are quick to update their social circle about how much weight so and so has put on, then laugh sadistically about it. If somebody has actually lost weight, you would probably compliment them to their face about their success but then bitch about them behind their back out of pure envy. Why is it when one becomes thinner, then congratulations are in order? Losing weight is apparently something to be celebrated, a great achievement, a wonderful milestone for you to write home about.

Photo Day in school back in 5th grade (the worst time of my life back then). I hated this picture so much, but my Mother says she loves it.

But getting fat? That's when you have to stop taking full-length body shots of yourself for Facebook. You have to retreat and avoid social functions at all costs. One must now adopt a baggy potato-sack sense of fashion and heaven forbid anyone ever see you eating in public ever again. People actually comment about your weight gain sadly and look at you with such pity, as they gently pat you on the shoulder and then walk away, sighing and wondering what went wrong in your life.

I don't want my daughter to grow up being obsessed with her body. I don't want her get depressed over every single pound she gains or refuse to live her life fully due to her own insecurities. Yes, of course I want her to be healthy and I am definitely not going to let her become obese - not just for the sake of physical appearance, but because of medical health. But I need to figure out first what exactly the problem is here. The fact that society is now throwing the word FAT around like it is a disgusting disease and the unrealistic expectations they have of how a woman's body should look, or that I care way too much about this than I should and my toddler is none the wiser about such labels, nor does she realise it is a dirty word when she uses it in public.

Me now. No filter. Suck it, haters.

This is a battle I am still fighting and there are good days and bad. To me, my daughter is still the epitome of perfection in my eyes and I will always love her unconditionally no matter how she looks. Perhaps I should stop trying to change the way society is, and just change the way I think. Slowly but surely, I will try my best to use this word as part of my vocabulary with no other emotions attached to it. I will do my part as a Mother to teach my beautiful daughter that FAT is not a dirty word.

How I Lost My Baby Weight (& Then Some!)

Me & Gemini Grrl in 2014 (when she was turning 2yrs old)

My weight has always been an issue for me while growing up, and even up until this very day in fact. Being one of the tallest girls in class, I stuck out like a sore thumb. Looking back, I don't think I was even medically overweight and definitely far from being obese, but the few extra pounds I had that tipped the scale were apparently enough for me to be the target of body-shaming - from my immature classmates, to my insensitive relatives.

My weight would fluctuate and it is a struggle I am still facing now. Some people say my body is absolutely fine and my own husband says he loves me just the way I am, but I guess it's hard to shake off these insecurities when you've gotten picked on, teased, ostracised and bullied for your natural body type.

So when I finally got pregnant, I was completely over the moon because we had been trying for a few years, but at the same time a tiny part of me was worried about how much weight I was going to gain and if I would balloon up like a whale.

Although I was one of those lucky ones who did not suffer from morning sickness at all and did not throw up even once throughout my entire pregnancy, I did suffer from a bit of dizziness at times and waves of nausea every now and then, and didn't really have much of an appetite (which is very strange for me because I am such a foodie). So during my first trimester, I actually lost weight!

Then post-pregnancy, I lost even more weight than I had prior to being pregnant! Yes, you can hate me now, sorry. Haha! :P I did not take any magic pills, nor did I go for expensive liposuction or anything. It was actually not that hard at all (I am SO praying that this will be true for the next time get pregnant again!). So here are my own theories as to how exactly I shed the baby weight within just 1 month after giving birth.

BREASTFEEDING

Image source: weBegirls

Did you know that when you are breastfeeding, you are actually burning up to 500 calories a day?? Apparently that's the same as:

a) Jogging for 1 HOUR
b) Swimming for 1 HOUR
c) Mowing the lawn for 2 HOURS
d) Tennis for 1 HOUR
e) Horse riding for 2 HOURS
f) Water aerobics for 2 HOURS
g) Rock climbing for 1 HOUR

No wonder I'm so hungry all the time! I am actually still breastfeeding until now (Gemini Grrl is turning 3yrs old in a few months' time), and plan on stopping whenever she is done with it. 

DIET

Thai Crispy Fish Salad in Banana Flower Petal. (Image by Imagine)

No, please do not go on a diet. I personally believe that diets are absolute bullsh*t. However, it is good to watch your diet. Eat whatever you want, but everything must be in moderation. After giving birth, my Mom cooked me traditional Thai Confinement Food and would send it over piping hot to my house almost every morning before she went to work. This would include hot soups (lots of liquid intake is good for breastfeeding moms), banana flower (to promote lactation - trust me, this worked REALLY well!), pepper, ginger (both to help expel wind. Mmm, lovely. LOL!), chicken liver/ gizzard/ heart (to help replenish my blood loss), plenty of fruit and vegetables (for fibre and vitamins). I was also advised to avoid eating anything too sugary as it was empty calories and wouldn't really do much for my health anyway (I won't lie though, I did indulge in the occasional macaron and cupcake!).

Drink LOTS of water to help flush your body out because of water retention (sounds weird, I know, drink water to get rid of excess water??), but apparantly this is so. Soups and porridge will keep you full for longer, so maybe that's why I was pretty content eating 3 bowls of soup a day, without hearing any complaining from my tummy.

POST-NATAL MASSAGE & TUMMY WRAP

Image by Imagine

If you read my previous post about my TTC tips, you'll remember that I mentioned traditional massage as part of my TTC journey. Well, I used the same masseuse for my post-natal massages and she would come to my house with all her oils and wraps each time. I would get a lovely relaxing massage for about 1 hour each time and she would end it off with wrapping me up tightly in a tummy binder, which would help get me back into shape. 

1 month after giving birth, my tummy was FLAT. Oh, ignore my grimacing face - I am NOT a fan of the lizard family :S

I admit, I was a little skeptical at first and wasn't sure what exactly to expect, but I swear to God that just 1 month after giving birth (and only 2 weeks of these massages + tummy wraps), my body was more in shape than it was BEFORE I was even pregnant!!!! My tummy was absolutely FLAT and I think looked even better than it had in yearssss. I even wore a CROP TOP for my bub's very first outing to the nearby park. Hell, I wouldn't even wear one NOW, but I was feeling super happy with my post-baby body. You have to wear the tight wrap for at least 6 hours though (the longer the better) and it is VERY uncomfortable. Some people don't even last more than 2 hours. But there are some who will wear it to sleep! 

Not only is the massage relaxing for you, but it helps with your blood circulation, reduces water retention, expels wind, gets your womb back into place, and well, come on, you deserve to treat yourself! I am actually tempted to call the masseuse up again to wrap my my cake belly right now :P

EXERCISE

Image from Imagine

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Only joking. I wasn't exercising at all. Well, at least not in the gym anyway. Ain't nobody got time fo dat! Especially when you're a SAHM with no help whasoever, your husband's at work and you're left all alone at home staring at the new precious little bundle of joy that you have absolutely no friggin' clue what to do with. Getting up at all hours of the night, rocking my baby to sleep, running to the bathroom to pee when my bubs was asleep - all that was enough exercise for me already! 

But honestly though, if you were active during your pregnancy, then not only will that help with a faster delivery (mine was 7 hours in total from start to finish), but it also helps you to easily shed the post-pregnancy weight. If you have the energy and luxury of working out after your baby is here, then go for it! I miss being inside the gym as well, but seriously could not be bothered anymore right now. But you can just burn a few extra calories by doing everyday stuff. Baby-wearing, carrying your ever-growing baby, take a brisk walk with your little one in a stroller, take the stairs, go window-shopping with your girlfriends. Every little effort counts, trust me.

Now that Gemini Grrl's almost 3 years old, I'm still keeping myself active by going out with her, running around, chasing after her, dancing, swimming, and basically just being a Mom.


GENETICS

My Mom & 1yr old grumpy me ^_^ \m/

I think it's sort of true what they say. A woman ages like her mother. For me, I should hope so, because my Mom is still in pretty good shape and looks good! After giving birth, her body bounced back quickly, so I guess I get my genes from her. Phew!

But yeah, I guess you can't help this one. Although nothing is set in stone. Even if your Mom gained double her body weight through the years, that doesn't mean that you will inevitably follow in her footsteps.


MY FINAL THOUGHTS

The most recent full body-shot of me taken in April 2015 (3 years after giving birth).

Let me be very honest here. Yes, I lost 20kg after giving birth. Yes, I was the thinnest I had ever been in a very long time. But when my period finally returned when my daughter was about 1.5 years old, that's when my body realised that I was a woman and started to pump more estrogen once again. My hips came back, my thighs became juicier, my ass got bigger, my batwings waved hello, my tummy got soft and I gained about 10kg and counting. I can blame it on all the extra desserts I sneaked in, or hormones, or lack of intensive exercise. But no, I don't care - I shouldn't care - and neither should you. Being pregnant and giving birth is no easy feat. Sure, millions and billions of women go through it around the world, but it still does not diminish our amazing accomplishment. I am not saying you should just give up and drink lard by the tubs, eat a whole wedding cake for breakfast and snack on bacon bits secretly stashed away in your diaper bag. 

But I am urging all Moms out there to be happy with your post-baby body because it is a testament to the beautiful creation which you bore. I am writing this down as a reminder to myself as well, because there are days when I stare at the mirror after trying to squeeze myself into a pair of old jeans and I wonder wtf happened. Motherhood happened, that's what. 

So go through my list and try it out if you want. It may or not work for you. My body may or may not bounce back like it did before with my next pregnancy(ies). Who knows? And frankly, who cares? Embrace your curves.

I remember the day I was leaving the hospital to go home with my baby for the very first time and I was in the bathroom changing out of my hospital gown and into my lovely little dress. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror, especially my saggy bulging midsection where my baby used to reside, and felt sheer horror for a split second.

"Is this what my body is going to look like forever and ever??"

 I wondered to myself. But then I could hear the excited chatter outside of my close friends, family and husband, oohing and aahing over the little miracle I pushed out of my body just 2 days earlier, and I smiled to myself, thinking, 

"I don't care. It was all worth it"

And you know what? Looking back almost 3 years later, with my beautiful Gemini Grrl by my side, with her radiant smile, cheeky antics, funny observations, effervescent personality, I feel that it definitely is all worth it. 

Every single kilogram.